Friday, May 07, 2004

We have now entered into a strange arena which I call "anticipation". It's not always a good thing, being caught up in anticipation.

You see, Mother's Day is Sunday. And it will be my first as a step-mother. The cats frequently get me a card, when "they" remember, but I've never had a human child of any kind, step or other, before. And I don't know what to expect.

Will it be blown off, as he already has a mother? In theory, this would be fine with me, I think. I've no desire to be his mother, although I greatly enjoy being a role model in his life.

But deep in my heart, and rising up so that it tingles in the back of my mind, I'd like Oscar. I'd love to discover that GB has paid the adoption fee, and spoken with my step-son and explained why we're going to keep this precious dog even though we told him from the start it was just temporary. As I said, it hit me earlier this week just how hard it's going to be to give him up, I suppose because he's showing his potential a lot more. And the very day that started to hit me, we went to his last class where our classmates and workers at the Harford County Humane Society watched Oscar and I together and said repeatedly "He loves you! He obviously just loves you so much!" and I had to say that, yes, he does, and I do him as well, but we're still looking for another family for him.

I don't want to be having these thoughts. I don't want to dare to even hope that GB will do that. I don't expect him to, nor do I think he should do it. But it would be so lovely to not have to think about what kind of bad dog owner Oscar could conceivably end up with. Someone who won't keep his training going, who won't coddle him when he's groggy in the morning (as I am reminded each morning when I leave for work and have to put him back outside, Oscar is not a morning dog). He could end up with someone determined to make him a guard dog... I have to keep telling myself that he could end up with a family with other young dogs and kids who have limitless energy and want to love and play.... but the uncertainty is there. As is my love for him.

So I should just stop thinking about it. I do this come gift time. Some nasty little elf whispers selfish thoughts into my ear (no offense to the fae folk - I generally enjoy feelings of their company, but I try not to give into selfishness... try, and most often fail.) I decide what would be the most wonderful gift I could get, and then my heart latches onto that, and nothing else is good enough. I hate that attitude about myself. And yet it happens so often, you'd think I'd be better at controlling it.

I'm not.

For the next two days, I'll fight it. But Sunday morning will come, and unless I have Oscar under the proverbial tree, I'll be disappointed and moody, most likely.

Sometimes I think GB is an unfortunate saint for putting up with me.

Thoughts for the Day:

Proverb - “Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.”

Unknown - “The manner in which it is given is often worth more than the gift.”

Carlos Castanedas - “Our normal expectations about reality are created by a social consensus. We are taught how to see and understand the world. the trick of socialization is to convince us that the descriptions we agree upon define the limits of the real world. What we call reality is only one way of seeing the world, a way that is supported by social consensus.”


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home

Marriage is love.