Friday, October 08, 2004

I was all set to put warnings that there would be no fiber content today, as I was feeling very contemplative last night... last night seems to insist that I put fiber content in, so that will be at the bottom (you'll see the segue, I promise).

I don't know what I want to do when I grow up. (Assuming of course, I ever do)Aging Woman

The thing is, I love being on the radio. And I'm good at it. People like me. That's not bragging, I've actually won awards and high ratings for it. In real life, I tend to feel that at best people can take me or leave me, but for some reason you put me behind a mic and they like me.
Mix Master

But being on the air doesn't come cheap. You make NO money, you're very often treated like crap by management, you get blamed for everything under the sun, from someone not liking a song you're playing, to someone else not liking something a guest said. And that's in addition to all the office politics you have to deal with, and the weird hours, and the working weekends and holidays.... and radio people are weird. AC, who you may recall from his boundry issues sharing what he did in the bathroom, has taken to shaving in the office. Walking around the office with his electric razor, carrying on conversations while buzzing away. And while that in itself is odd, the fact that someone would do that is par for the course in a radio station. I've done this for five years and I have yet to work in a place where I liked the work, the people and the boss all in the same job... I understand every job has it's tough times. But this is just a freakish business. I've had bosses tell me the jocks weren't allowed to leave the studio when they were on the air, and that a bucket would be placed in the corner so we could "relieve ourselves" if neccessary. I've had a boss who, on her last day, took all the trash in the station, piled it in my office and closed the door. I've been told that I was fantastic on the air, tremendous in production, but I wouldn't be given a raise until my vaccuuming skills improved.

That's radio. And it's made me gunshy about so many other things. It's destroying my soul, and my drive, and my spirit.
Scared To Death 2

This job interview I had Tuesday (which I still haven't heard back from) is making me think a lot about it. Do I want to move to a place where I'd have to drive an hour to a job that I'm not even sure I want? I want to go to a new place "fired up" (to quote a past hideous radio boss) and committed to doing the best I can do. But I'm thinking radio may not be what I want to give my all to, and that's certainly something I should decide before I uproot my entire family and committ myself to a new employer.

I went home from work last night depressed and overwhelmed. Cried a few times in the car.

And I had all kinds of weird dreams last night. Radio dreams, involving Don-Geronimo-who-was-really-Mike-O'Mara and Oscar chewing through his rope and running into the street and having to get into the car with me while Don-who-was-really-Mike was driving me home talking about how weird radio is.

I woke up once (GB had stolen the covers) and when I went back to sleep I dreamed about knitting... about scarlett red aran-cabled gloves. I had 4 oz of the merino/angora blend I dyed at Jen's so I plied it up, and set the twist before leaving for work this morning. I have to work all weekend (and Monday, too, but that's another story) so I'll bring some DPNs and the yarn to work with me. I leave for Rhinebeck Thursday night. And if the Harlot can do the worlds fastest aran sweater in two weeks (and we all know she will), I figure I can at least get something knit on some tiny gloves in a few days, right? I don't know if they'll be fingerless, or gloves, or mittens... but they'll be fun to knit, and that's what I need right about now.

Oh, that and a job working with animals and fiber that doesn't involve selling one's soul to the devil.

In the meantime, another on-the-nose horoscope (at least I hope so!):
We are all on missions of one kind or another. We get up in the morning and the first thing we think is, 'Where am I supposed to be.' Or, 'What am I supposed to be doing?' We don't think, 'How am I supposed to be feeling?' Unless, that is, we are feeling sad. Then, we may wistfully remind ourselves that happiness would be a preferable state. Even so, we'll consider it more important to feel flat but occupied, than blissful and taskless. What matters this weekend, though, is not what you do but what you feel while you are doing it. A state of joy is nearer than you think.


Blogger Nancy said...

I can relate to what you're going through. I always wanted to work as a media producer and eventually ended up being a Producer/Project Manager for web development companies. Although I enjoyed the actual responsibilities of the job, I couldn't stand the stress that came with it (the people weren't nearly as odd, but I had one guy that would simply scream at me for no reason at all). Anyway, I got to the point where I would be crying on my way home from work and I knew that I needed a change - a big change!

I'm back in school and will graduate next year with my Masters of Library and Information Science. Don't know if being a Librarian is what I want to be when I go grow up, but the stress level is definitely a lot lower!

I hope you're able to find something that will make you happy. No one deserves to be miserable, but especially not someone as nice as you!


4:50 PM  
Blogger Lauren said...

*A state of joy is nearer than you think* I love that! Well, if anything, it gives you something to look forward to. Like any normal human being, you ask yourself, "What am I doing with my life?". I was at that point a few months ago, and while I am not completely convinced that things are perfect now, I feel that they are getting there.

I love school (you may recall that I am in Library School too) and there are so many ways that you can go with this sort of degree... that gives me hope that I can find a great job. I get the feeling that we are similar in the way that our careers are important to us. I recently heard that the average person goes through four career changes in the course of their life... so this step you are going through sounds completely normal. Without sounding too *corny*, I say follow your heart... and research your options. We live in such a large and diverse area, that it really seems that the "world is your oyster"!

I wish you the best of luck in your search... we are all in this together! :)

6:24 PM  
Blogger Kimberly said...

I'm sorry you're going through this.

There are so many difficult people in the world. Trust me when I say there are all types of personalities in just about every field, maybe even every field.

I guess we all go through "growing pains." I'm having a few, myself.

You seem talented, thoughtful, and willing to work. I think that things will make a change for the better. Just be confident that the change is coming...because IT IS!

9:31 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

Sorry to hear you're having a rough time about your career situation. It's easier said then done, but it will all work out in the end.

P.S. The Celtic Cap pattern can be bought at:

11:41 PM  

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